Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences that an individual can do for a loved one or friend.  The issue with caregiving is that it is emotionally and physically exhausting and taking care of yourself is essential. If you are the primary caregiver and you get ill, who will take over the caregiving responsibility while you are recuperating?  Or, if you become  so exhausted that you can no longer provide the caregiving, who will step in to fill your role?  You are not only caring for your loved one, but you are also caring for yourself.  You are in a state of heightened tension whether you admit this or not.

Chronic stress takes a toll on all living things and you are no different.  Our bodies are not built to handle constant stress without side effects.  The side effects can be physical or emotional.  You do not have to be strong and do it all  yourself.  This caregiver stress is often called compassion fatigue in the healthcare literature.  Just because you are a healthcare provider does not mean that you are immune to this stress.

Some things that you can do to lessen the stress and keep your life intact include:

1.  Ask for help – While it might seem that siblings, spouses, friends or other close to us should recognize how hard me work, they do not always come through to rescue us.  We need to recognize when we are tired and need a break.
2. Accept help when it is offered – You do not have to be the only one who can provide care to your loved one.  While others may deliver care in a different way than you do, that does not mean that it is wrong.  People do not ask to help again when their assistance is rejected.
3. Don’t expect people to recognize your stress – Everyone is busy with their own lives and stresses.  Unless you tell them you need help or that you are not able to continue, they may not recognize your stress.  If fact, they may pull away from you since you are always busy or no longer available or fun to be around.
4. Take time for yourself – Find things that make you happy and help you relax and embrace them.  It could be as simple as a cup of coffee with a friend once a week for only one hour.  It might be a walk in the neighborhood, a movie, a yoga class or time to sit and read a book at the library.  You must have time to refresh and rejuvenate to be a healthy caregiver.
5. Talk about your feelings – This discussion can be with a professional or a friend.  It is important to talk about and work through the feelings that you have about caregiving.  This feelings may include anger about being asked to give up your life or anger that other family members are not pulling their weight.  It may be fear about what you will do when the senior has died.  The scope of feelings is unique to each person and their situation.  None of them are good or bad.
6. Do not expect equal participation – Each family has its own dynamics and each family’s dynamics are different.  Each child in the family has a different relationship with the parents and their siblings.  Some family members will simply not be there.  Do not let them off the hook.  Ask them for help.  If they are unwilling or unable, you know where you stand and can establish other networks of care for your loved one and support for yourself. 
7. Geographic distance has nothing to do with caregiving – Family that live across the country versa across the street may have the similar levels of stress even though they are not providing hands on assistance.  Family that live across the street may not participate in care even though they are nearby.  Physical distance from the situation does not correlate with caregiving.
8. We can only handle what we can handle – Each of us has a different level of ability to handle stress and caregiving.  Some individuals have a limited capacity to see a loved one’s condition change and see them deteriorate.  Others seem to not be touched by even the most difficult of problems.  This ability to cope is individual and not transferable from one person to another.
9. Be honest – It is often  easier to ignore the signs and symptoms of change than it is to embrace them.  Procrastination and denial can be protective mechanisms for some to be able to manage the stress that they cannot bring themselves to deal with.  Chastising the individual because of their lack of openness and willingness to help does not change their closure and inapproachability.  Rehashing things that they have not done does not facilitate success.
10. Caregiver burnout is real – When an individual initially assumes the task of caregiver, they usually do so with a positive attitude.  As the caregiving continues across time, the caregiver may become angry, anxious, tired and depressed.  This happens when the caregiver has not cared for their own needs.  Often caregivers feel guilty leaving their caregiving role and entrusting care to someone else.  The caregiver may not take time for themselves to rejuvenate and rest.  When this happens, the caregiver is on a slippery slide to physical, emotional and mental exhaustion.  Proactive recognition and intervention is mandatory to ameliorate burnout.  Burnout can manifest as physical illness (heart attacks, headaches, flu, colds), sleeping problems, weight loss or gain, frank depression, withdrawal from life and friends and irritability. 
11. Spirituality is healing – Regardless of one’s spiritual beliefs and make up, at times of stress this part of the caregiver’s life may provide comfort and peace.  Whether the belief system is associated with a formal church or less formal and more personal, the spiritual system often is drawn on for support.  Doing things as simple as listening to music or meditation may fulfill this spiritual aspect of the caregiver’s life adding meaning and relaxation.
12. You are not alone – There are many people in the same place as you are.  Look to support groups.  There are many organizations that are specific to different diseases like Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, Huntington’s, diabetes and many more.  The individuals who attend these sessions understand the stressors that you are experiencing because they are walking in your shoes.   There are other support groups that hospitals and healthcare facilities may provide for the public.  Find one that fits and share your story and your feelings in a safe place.
13. Look to professionals for assistance – There are many kinds of professionals in the market place that can help you through this stressful  time.  Some of these resources like geriatric care managers and therapists may cost money. 
14. Look to free or reduced fees resources. Rabbis, ministers, priests and imams may provide spiritual and emotional support as a function of their role.  Many churches and synagogues have respite resources available free of charge from volunteers if you are a member of the community.  The Agency on Aging and other not for profit organization may have free or reduced fee resources to help with respite care or personal care.